Interlock PrayerNet

“Welcome to ‘The Cat was Black: Symposium on Linguistic Interpretation in Modern Life.’  My name is Sigmund Butterhead, director of Harvard-R-Us Institute in Cambridge, Massachusetts and I am moderating today’s session.  It is imperative today for us to understand the modern use of language.  As our former President Bill Clinton reminded us,” (scattering of applause from the audience), “more than ever it depends on what our definition of ‘is’ is.  The New York Times has helped us to understand that even when the facts in a story are completely wrong, such as the account of President Bush’s National Guard duty (uneasy stirring in the seats), the story itself can still be conceptually true. Even the Supreme Court is joining in the redefining of language.  Recently their decision of Kelo vs. City of New London helped us to understand that though the Fifth Amendment of the US Constitution seems to clearly say that private property cannot be taken for anything except public use, what it really meant is public purpose.  This new interpretation opens up huge new vistas for government officials to not just appropriate private property for things like highways, bridges or railroads for public use, but confiscate it for any public purpose like beautiful new shopping centers and malls or anything that will bring in higher property taxes.  Isn’t liberating language wonderful?”  (Polite applause from the audience.)

“Today’s literary piece is ‘The cat was black.’  This was recently found written on the second stall of the men’s room in the Museum for Recycled 20^th Century Art in Greenwich Village, New York.  This text was chosen as it truly represents the essence of the common man and how even in the heartland of America, language revision is in full bloom.  Our first set of commentaries is on the social implications of the text.  On my far right is Dr. Felix Ungars, associate professor of Pre-Bohemian English at the University of Southern North-West Central Florida.  Following him will be a rebuttal by Dr. Gloria Athena, sitting to his left, director of the Women First and Only Feminist Research Center in Berkeley, California. And closing this section, next to me here, is the esteemed Mr. Al Notsosharpton, former US  presidential candidate, NYC mayoral candidate, and currently serving as a neighborhood watch president in Harem, excuse me, Harlem, New York City.  First, Dr. Ungars…”

“Thank you, Mr. Butterhead.  As our literary piece is short, I will keep my comments short.  It is blatantly apparent that the writer of this tome is a man struggling with his sexuality.  He finds the constraints of masculine and feminine too confining to express his full identity of personhood. Here is a male that sees himself as a feminine ‘cat’ and his ‘blackness’ shows the depths of his struggle. He needs to be liberated. His is a voice begging to be accepted for his transexuality.” (appreciative applause)

Dr. Athena defiantly marched to the podium and glared at the audience.  “Dr. Ungars could not be more mistaken in his interpretation of ‘the cat was black.’  The key word, ‘cat,’ clearly shows that we are dealing with a female individual.  She took the courageous step to write her treatise in the men’s room of this museum.  Further, let us take note that she took great pains to distinguish that she was black – which obviously implies that she no longer is black.  This is a liberated woman making a social statement about transcending gender boundaries. She is now white – which is the absence of color or identity.  I suggest we follow the example of this bold woman and no longer use pronouns like he, she or it, but merge them together in one beautiful pronoun, s-he’it.”  (Very appreciate applause from the audience)

Al Notsosharpton leaped to his feet the moment Dr. Athena moved from the podium, and quickly the mike off its stand and began to roam the front of the auditorium and shouted, “The cat was black, the man wrote.  The cat was black.  Black!  Black!  Do you hear?  The man who wrote this was a brother.  But he calls himself a ‘cat’ so he must be an old brother, like a ‘cool cat’ from many years ago.  He wants to regain his soul – but he can’t do that.  And you know why?  This old brother remembers the separate water fountains in the south.  He remembers when he could not look a white man in the eye.  He remembers being called ‘boy.’ He is suffering to this day, and that suffering has its roots in the legacy of slavery.  The only way we can restore this brother is to pay reparations for the centuries of oppression of his forefathers.  The Japanese were compensated for the internment camps, and the Indians were given reservations – but the black man was enslaved for over 300 years with barbaric cruelty and injustice and was never even given an apology!  Do you hear this man’s cry?  The ‘cat’ wants to be black!” (thunderous applause) “The ‘cat’ wants to be black!  The ‘cat’ wants..”  

After several persistent nudges, Mr. Butterhead is finally able to get Mr. Notsosharpton to relinquish the microphone. “Thank you, Drs. Ungars, Athena, and Mr. Notsosharpton for those insightful comments.  Our last two speakers will present the global implications of our literary discussion.  Dr. Harold Evergreen from Cappuccino University in Expresso, Washington will be presenting the environmental viewpoint, followed by Senator Al Kerrgore who will conclude today’s conclave with the political ramifications. Dr. Evergreen…” (smattering of applause)

“I doubt if we could find a more crystal clear declaration about the current environmental crisis,” Dr. Evergreen intoned in perfect diction. “The symbol of ‘cat’ is a metaphor for the earth because of the definite article ‘the.’  Why did the author take such care to distinguish this cat as the one and only cat unless he was referring to it in a metaphorical sense?  Note also that the author outlines the status of the earth as being ‘black.’  Obviously the writer is pointing out the effect of global warming. He is noting that we have already past the point of no return.  The despair can be felt in every word.  We must heed the words of this eloquent man.  We have to embrace the Kyoto accords (obviously implied in ‘k’ sound in the word ‘cat’) and reclaim the earth.  The consequences are dire.  If we don’t all want to become black cats, the author warns, we need to drastically reduce our fossil fuel emissions today.  Thank you.” (polite applause)

Senator Al Kerrgore confidently strode to the microphone and gave a beaming smile to the crowd. “Well, I guess they either saved the best for last or else they didn’t know where else to put me in the schedule,” pausing to chuckle at his own joke but only hearing embarrassed laughter from the audience. “But seriously, I feel we owe a great debt to the writer of ‘the cat was black’ because this man points out that Iraq (which note, rhymes with cat) is black. He said ‘was’ but I am sure he meant ‘is.’  He is right, of course, that it is all wrong.  We made a mistake going in (which as you all know I voted for before I voted against) and now we are suffering a black eye in the world.  Why doesn’t the writer say this in more direct terms?   I believe it obvious that he is afraid of censorship.  He feels that with the fascism that reigns in our nation today, if he were to come out plainly against the war, he could someday hear a knock at his door saying, ‘Well, since you were not for us, you must be against us, so come along quietly to the gulag we have prepared for you in Guantanamo.’  I, for one, am not going to go quietly in the night – I am not going to give up without a fight – and, for me, the cat is still here and it is going to stay here! Hell, no, we won’t go!”  (standing ovation)

Meanwhile, in Greenwich Village, five-year old Timmy Johnson asks to go to the bathroom at the museum to avoid looking at any more stupid pictures with his parents.  He wants to write on the wall, “See Spot run.”